Determined to Heal

November 07, 2024

One of my favorite HopeWay therapists told me, “Everything works until it doesn’t.” And that’s exactly what happened to me.

I was one of those high-achieving, “jack-of-all-trades” types of people who took every traumatic experience I had ever been through and stuffed them deep inside. I wore the mask of the strong friend, the strong sister, and the hard worker who never breaks or gives up, throwing myself into work and using it as fuel for validation and success. However, when I tragically lost my father, everything came crashing down.

I wasn't eating or sleeping. I pulled away from my friends. My performance at work declined. And I eventually became a fraction of the person I was. You see because when my dad passed, it didn't just break one shelf in my life. It broke all the shelves. Everything shattered. Everything was unearthed. I was crippled not only by my dad’s traumatic passing, but every other issue that I had never worked through. Every trauma that I had dissociated from was staring me in the face and I didn't know what to do.

Then, a friend told me about HopeWay.

I was completely lost when I entered the Residential program. I gradually improved and transitioned into PHP. However, about 10 weeks into treatment, I experienced another traumatic loss that put me into the darkest place I had ever been. But this time, because of what I had started to work on at HopeWay, I couldn’t push it down. I couldn’t hold back. The mask I had perfected my whole life had already fallen apart. Now everyone could see the real me. I suddenly found both my doctor and therapist sitting in front of me saying, “We think you need to go back to Residential.”

My initial reaction was resistance. I felt like a failure because I had already been here before. I had already done "the work." However, because of the trust I built with my HopeWay team, I knew they had my best interest in mind. So, I made the decision to return to the Residential program. But, something strange happened that I didn’t expect. My rock bottom sparked a desperation and determination to never end up in this dark place again. I realized I needed to stop trying to pretend everything was okay, let go of my shame and embrace true vulnerability.

My father used to tell me, “If you can’t achieve what you need with what you already have, go out and find the rest.” That’s how I approached my second time in Residential treatment.

In addition to embracing vulnerability, I challenged myself to learn and participate in my recovery as much as I could. I asked questions about medications and treatment methods. I tapped into the unique expertise of each member of my treatment team, learning about art therapy and trauma, attachment styles, neurology and brain-gut connection. I even participated in a new trauma-specific IOP that helped me confront difficult things from my past and finally move forward.

The process wasn’t easy, but every bit of determination that I put into my recovery, HopeWay matched it. They saw my effort and they all rallied around me to help me change my life.

HopeWay gave me time to grieve, time to heal and space to grow. I’ll never forget one particular day sitting in my psychiatrist’s office. Somehow, we got on the topic of basketball and coaching, and he looked at me and told me that I should start coaching. I immediately started crying because something inside me clicked. HopeWay helped me rediscover my purpose. I realized that coaching and mentoring was my passion and from it I found fulfillment.

Needless to say, HopeWay is where I found my light again. Because of that, I’ve dedicated my life to being an advocate for mental health in my community. I won’t be quiet about letting the ones I love know the importance of healing from your traumas. I’m committed to telling everyone who will listen, life isn’t just “Either Or". There are “Ands”, and everyone deserves hope.