A Journey Through Hell and Back

January 21, 2025

Danny, Former HopeWay Client 

Life Before HopeWay

I can remember growing up as a happy-go-lucky child. As I became a teenager, I noticed periods when I would feel down, but I was able to bounce back within a week. I didn’t think much of it because, 30 years ago, people didn’t really pay attention to things like that. After serving honorably in the U.S. Army, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I managed fairly well with one or two medications. Even though the periods of feeling down lasted longer and were more intense than in my teenage years, I could still go to work and function, so I thought everything was fine. 

Mental vs Physical Pain

In November 2023, everything changed in an instant. A decision I made landed me in the ICU with two blood clots on the left side of my brain and a seizure so severe that my mother thought I was going to die. This experience led me down a road of mental anguish—a torment that was invisible but no less real.

From my experience, physical pain, depending on its severity, eventually subsides. I know this from injuries I sustained in sports, including boxing, and the surgeries I’ve undergone. These surgeries included a cervical spine fusion where bits of my bone were removed, replaced with a cadaver bone, and secured with a metal plate and pins. I also had a double fusion on my lumbar spine (L4-L5) with cadaver bones, plates, and screws, as well as an appendectomy and eye surgery to save my vision while I was in the Army.

The difference between all that physical pain and my mental health struggles was I didn’t know when —or if— my mental health struggles would end. There were days when I would ask myself, Am I going to feel this way forever? and wonder what my life would look like if it didn’t end. Each day felt the same—dark clouds and tears, both metaphorical and literal. I prayed to God daily to end the suffering, but after months of unanswered prayers, I stopped asking, and instead of getting better, things got worse.

I began to question everything—myself, my life, and whether it was even worth living. I was not living; just merely existing, watching others from the sidelines and wishing I could be like them again. Walking through literal hell in your mind is daily torture that no one can understand unless they’ve experienced severe depression and anxiety.

Lying in bed or on the couch, feeling lifeless, as if the devil himself is standing over you, mocking you, and doing everything in his power to make you give up. There were so many times I wanted to throw in the towel, but something inside me told me to ask for help—and I did. My mother began to reach out for support, and I eventually found a place that extended a helping hand.

Danny's Journey at HopeWay

While in treatment at HopeWay, I fought as hard as I could, accepting new strategies, tools, and medications. For the first time since my unofficial adopted brother, Dewey, passed away in 2017, I made a conscious decision to open my heart to new friendships with the other clients in treatment. I’m so glad I did. Without these new friends – my now extended family - I don’t think I would have made the progress I made.

It’s been a year now, and I can finally say I’m in a better place. I’ve started to walk out of the hell of severe depression and anxiety. I’m more appreciative, caring, and thoughtful, and I’ve shed many views and perspectives that once held me back. These changes have made me a better person all around. I will do whatever it takes to avoid going back to that dark place. If that means studying CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) for ten hours a day, then that’s what I’ll do. Whatever tools or skills are necessary to maintain and improve my mental health; I am committed to using them.

As I write this sitting in my car listening to a boxing motivational video, I feel the same motivation and passion I had when I was younger. I’ve realized, that when your mind is in a better place, that mindset flows into other parts of your life, helping you to maintain and improve yourself.

To anyone reading this who is going through the same struggles: Don’t give up. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and eventually, you’ll see the sun again. Remember, you are NOT alone. You are loved, and you are wanted by those who care about you, even if it’s just one person. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak—it shows courage, fortitude, and a desire to get better.

Help is out there. When you come out of hell, you can and will have your best life. There’s a happy and wonderful life waiting for you—a life where the sun shines, the birds sing, and your bright future will welcome you with open arms!